Fearless

I've never gotten along with my father. As far back as I can remember, he's had a controlling personality.

It was never, "I think you should do..."
It was, "you'd better..."
It was, "if you were smart, you'd..."
It was, "just shut up and..."

Things weren't done for me out of kindness. They were done so that they could later be held over me as a form of manipulation. I wasn't given pitching lessons to become a good pitcher. I was given lessons so I couldn't quit, and so I couldn't just play to have fun. I wasn't given Nintendo to enjoy. I was given Nintendo so I'd have to do what he wanted, when he wanted, and how he wanted, or else "I'll just break the Nintendo. I don't care."

Being an only child made it worse. I had a lot of kids on my street, but once I went inside, there was no way to deflect the focus. Well, my mother could take some of it, but I didn't want that, so I acted out to make sure it was always on me. And not in a bad way, either. I never stole, got brought home by the cops ... nothing. But if it looked like she was going to be on the receiving end of misguided anger, I'd make a stupid comment or do something else so the attention was on me during that time.

Things are a little better now that I'm an adult. It's easy to excuse myself on the phone, or to not pick it up at all. Still, he hasn't changed. My fiancee and I are in the middle of closing on a new home, and several times he has tried to take over. He's asked how much money we have. He even asked for power of attorney, which I laughed at on the phone before realizing he wasn't joking. As an adult, I've come to the brink of telling him off, but I never do. Because he's family? Because I can't do it? I'm not sure. And I don't hate him, but I don't love him either. That's not going to change because he's not going to change. Am I? Again, I'm not sure. I really don't want to tell him off, but someday it will come to that.

The reason I'm writing this is ... I wonder just how much effect it's had on my self-confidence. Not just poker, but with everything. Sometimes I convince myself I can't handle something before I start it, because that's what I was told when I was growing up. I wasn't guided. Decisions were made for me because I was told I needed "help"deciding. God forbid I was ever allowed to make a mistake a learn from it. I'm now realizing that the person who said I needed help from experienced people wasn't experienced himself ... just as unsure of himself as I am now, but we handled it in different ways. He wants to be all things to everyone. I just want to be someone I respect, and now I am.

Anyways, this is a poker blog, not a catharsis. It ties in to poker in that I'm unsure of myself at the table, even if I can see I have an edge on another player. I want to be mistake free, and don't we all? But I approach it the wrong way. I don't take chances. I'm gunshy when someone else displays any kind of strength, even if I have strength of my own. In poker, and in life, I'm always afraid to take risks because I'll find out that I'm drawing dead.

I'm turning the corner, though. Value bets, semi-bluff raises, stone cold bluffs. I used them all last night, winning two $10+1 SnG's and building a good chip lead in a $10+1 MTT only to lose it when my KK lost to someone who raises to 5X the bb with A-7 offsuit.

I won't always be up against the nuts. On most days, in fact, I'm getting the best of it.

Have a good weekend, everyone.